There was a new robot in town, and from what the rumours said he was quite the boss. Apparently he had been sacked from the South African Police because instead of arresting the bothersome gangsters he had joined up with them
and caused more trouble than he was worth!
By the time the South African Police had recovered their stupidly expensive, only been in service three weeks (oh and it lights up and talks and everything) robot it was covered in so much rude graffitti and bullet holes they couldn't even take photographs of it for the newspapers.
So the poor thing simply sat in storage for a month while his buddies travelled the world showing off how cool and awesome they were at catching baddies and saving human Police officers from loads of boring paperwork. Of course, it wasn't long before the Hasbro Corporation noticed these badass looking robots on the TV and wrote a nice letter to the manufacturers in their best joined-up hand writing..."Now that would make a sweet toy - it could light up and talk and everything"
The box had been delivered to the NEST base in about the same amount of time it's taken you to read this far, and since the postman found Ultra Magnus parked outside it was him who had the
honour of signing for the mysterious crate. Poor Ultra Magnus never stopped to consider why the little fella was all packed up and ready to go that quickly
to anyone who showed the teeniest weeniest bit of interest...
Included in the shipping crate was one severely beaten up robot, various colours of spray paint, enough bling to keep Jetfire going for a week and a rubber chicken. It was going to be a long week, starting with scrubbing off that massive (CENSORED) from the robot's back. Ultra Magnus still didn't understand why scrawling interface cables on things was funny, perhaps it was considered some sort of formal greeting on this planet?
Once the worst of the abusive scribbles were removed the skinny little meatbag-sized robot was free to explore his new surroundings and it didn't take long for him to slink his way through all the corridors, hallways, cleaning cupboards and underground vaults. Just as he was wondering if the maze would ever end, he discovered a very big, very important looking office filled with a pair of giant robots that could turn inside-out and become airplanes! Yes really, they would sort of make this chik-chak-chonk-chak noise and then they looked like airplanes - and back again!
Starscream was confused about why the new robot looked like a human (and it didn't transform) with two giant stupid ears while Megatron was fascinated by the robot that looked like a human (but it didn't transform) with the silly twitching ears. It didn't take long for Starscream to start trolling the new arrival, starting with the fact that he didn't even transform into anything and finishing off with the fact that his Mum was a snowblower.
The reply was instant
"u wot m8? swer on me mam i;ll deck you in"
At this point Megatron wanted to ask if there was an orange robot with a grey ear wandering round, or if he turned into something really embarrassing like a memory stick or a photocopier and he just didn't want to show it?
This time the reply was
"Indestructible robot ganster number one, son!"
At this exact moment, both Decepticon dumbasses realised it wasn't very good at speaking Earthlingese so they decided to help it along with some extra words. They started off easy enough with simple four letter ones like
and then worked up to longer words like
at which point the battered copbot sprinted over to the desk and found a large pen. He then climbed up on the desk, reached up as far as his little arm would reach, and started working his way down the wall in a long column of words.
Oh what a surprise, it had only been 2 hours and 9 minutes since Ultra Magnus had signed for that scrawny scraplet and now Sentinel was already on the phone about "Starscream and Megatron are in my office with a new toy. The horror" followed by the sound of girly sobbing.
By the time Ultra Magnus arrived in the hallway that led to the shiny firetrukk's office, the shiny firetrukk himself was cowering at the far end, curled up in a little ball silently shaking his head asking Primus to spare whoever should dare lay eyes on the horrible sight that awaited them.
Ultra Magnus wasn't going to take any chances, whatever was going on in there had made a Prime cry so it was clearly srs bsns. Slowly, ever so slowly, he eased his massive red chest around the doorway and popped his colossal chin in. He had never, in all the planets he had ever visited, seen anything like it...
Starscream was on his knees, quietly weeping "It's beautiful"
Razzles was sitting on top of the Dorito's round head, hands clasped in joy quietly rejoicing "I never even knew the Universe contained so many swear words"
Megatron was flumped
over the sofa, his brain long since asploded on seeing all his favourite swears written in 216pt Comic Sans as far as his eyes could see.
And there he was, CHAPPiE the Illest Gangsta Number One, carefully writing out every swear word in existence on every possible square inch of Sentinel's office